It was, as Dickens once wrote, the best of toilets, it was the worst of toilets.

It’s my belief that China has an awful lot in common with France; wonderful bakers, a complete disdain in many places for anyone who doesn’t speak the language, a desire to eat the most disgusting parts of an animal, and of course, appalling toilets.

Every time I had to use a dingy squat toilet I thought, ha - I can take it, I’ve lived in France (where they do still like their occasional squat toilet).

In fact, after travelling around for a while I did find that sometimes a nice clean squat toilet was more appealing than the less used (and less cleaned) sit down option.

Toilet customs also vary slightly in China - particularly in Beijing.  There is a growing concern about ecological issues and so you will often find people choosing not to flush the toilet every time they go (if it’s yellow, let it mellow... ) Although they have signs in most public toilets reminding you to flush, don’t be surprised if they haven’t.  On the one hand you could be disgusted, on the other you could be impressed that they are taking environmental issues so seriously?  I’m not sure if it has anything to do with ecology or bad plumbing, but you may also find in many places a waste paper basket next to the loo - for your loo paper.  Let’s put it this way, if you do have to flush some paper down the loo then that’s really up to you - unless of course you back up your hotel toilet (luckily I didn’t!)

Also - re toilet paper - a lot of cubicles don’t have any - but what you may find is a big roll in the central area by the sinks.  So check, and take your paper before you go in!

But let me start with the best - Shanghai.  It started with the toilet in my room - can you believe it - not only did it have a water jet to wash my bottom, it also had a whole big control panel for selecting the gentle heat of my toilet seat, whether I’d like the water oscillating... seriously... after three days in the country and the village toilets of Yangshuo (which were mostly clean but did come with added spiders,) I actually couldn’t bear to use any toilets in Shanghai other than hotel toilets or, slumming it a little, spa toilets - so they were all pretty decent.  Of course when I visited the Puli Hotel I found that even their restaurant toilets had a washing feature (and I felt like I was cheating on my own toilet using it!)

If you don’t stay at Les Suites Orient (although just... do) and you want to see the best toilet in China - just head to the Puli, for a rather nice coffee, an elegant water feature, the funniest taxi guy and a toilet that washes and dries your bottom.

In Hong Kong I was particularly impressed by the toilets on the boats - on my dolphin trip and the red antique junk - I’d have been happy to have any of these toilets in my hotel room, they were that nice.

Also special mention has to be given to the toilets in the international departure area of Beijing airport - these are the prettiest in China.

Overall, like many things in China, the best value is found at either the top end or the bottom end.  I was really quite impressed with the toilets in the Yulong Village near the Dragonback Bridge in Yangshuo.  We had to pay 1 yuan (about 10p) and they were very basic squat, but they were very, very clean.  There’s a big vat of river water and you take the bucket and use it to “flush” but these were clearly washed down every five minutes - because let’s face it, 1 yuan for a wee in this place is a good business.

The worst tend to be the ones frequented a lot by tourists - I’ll go into more detail about the ones to avoid in each area... but the worst of the trip?  Well I always knew it was going to be the ones on Huangshan - but up a mountain you don’t really have a lot of choice.  My fatal error of course was this (please, please don’t do this!)  Having visited a small, rustic toilet on the mountain, the ladies was so bad I couldn’t go (my own personal theory is that you should always check the toilets out because, no matter how much you think you need to go, a really bad toilet can make it go back in - particularly important if you feel you need a number 2), and I... (shudder) thought... I’ll check out the gents to see if it’s any better.  It really wasn’t.  Although it had the desired effect of making the wee go back in, you don’t want it to go back in FOREVER.

So, if you want to play it safe, hotels, spas, luxury restaurants, or in the country, small village toilets, or of course, the nearest bush.