Okay, if your loved one is having renal problems then you know it is all about the wee.  How many millilitres you've produced, or, if they're on dialysis and can't wee, how many millilitres they are allowed to drink.

When you are admitted onto the ward you'll probably also be introduced to the "wee cupboard" – this is the cupboard in the bathroom where everyone deposits their "specimens".  Some people have to catch all their wees – you will probably just have to catch specified ones – and trust me, you will get used to it.  What you probably won't get used to is opening the cupboard and finding other people's wees in there.  And let me tell you, a lot of people on a renal ward are going to have some pretty unpleasant wees.  (I’m sorry guys but it’s true.)

When you first come round from the operation you will thankfully not have to worry about weeing for a while, because they will have inserted a catheter, so that all of your wee goes into a lovely bag at the bottom of the bed. 

I was quite worried about this, and also about having it removed, but it really wasn't a problem at all – not even painful.  In fact there have been many times since, when I really didn't want to get out of bed, when I was at a gig or a festival, on a beach in Morocco with no toilets… when I've thought a catheter might have been a really good idea.

Anyway the reason for the catheter is twofold – first of all they can measure your output and check your kidneys are working okay, and next, you really aren't going to be able to get out of bed to pee for the first few days.

You will never have been praised so much for your ability to wee since you were potty training.  I pee like a racehorse, so even after the op they were very impressed with my prodigious ability to micturate (I got tired of saying wee), up until my bag of wee overflowed all over the floor.  (The nurses are more used to people producing very little quantities of the stuff!)

Of course once my catheter was removed, along with the epidural I had to once again get up to pee.  I can tell you that the pain of actually getting out of bed when I was just on paracetamol nearly made me wet the bed again.  Here is where you are so lucky if you are a guy – just give you a bottle and you're golden (no pun intended.)

Anyway, if you thought that was the end of the story, you're mistaken, because of course, after no. 1 comes… no. 2.

You will not be allowed to leave the hospital until you have done a poo.  I didn't know why at the time but after careful research (watching "Scrubs") apparently it's for all surgical patients, to check that your bowel is working properly.  So far so good, but, when you have been on a lot of morphine based painkillers, and the place you have to do a poo is a very draughty bathroom in January, with the wee cupboard sitting on the wall behind you, it's a bit of a challenge.

Wednesday was the surgery, Thursday that bitch physio came and made me walk down the corridor, Friday they took away my epidural and I lay in pain all day on paracetamol (paracetamol I ask you!) (It was also my brother's birthday, so I did manage a smile for him when he walked down to visit me), Saturday I finally had a shower and got out of my rancid surgical gown (it was nasty!) and I had some lovely visitors, including my sister-in-law who brought me, hallelujah! lots of gossip magazines (I will say here that I hate gossip magazines and won't buy them, I'm just a social reader) and I still hadn't done a poo.

Sunday morning I was on a mission to get the hell out of Dodge, so I woke up early, picked up all my gossip magazines and occupied the bathroom while it was still quiet.  And I stayed there until I had done a poo. 

I really don't know why I had to do one there, I mean I could have lied and told them I had – but I just couldn't lie to them.  Anyway when the surgeon finally came round I asked him if I could go home and he said yes (the man from Del Monte said yes!) and then all I had to do was to wait for my family to pick me up.

Unfortunately doing a poo just got harder.  I didn't realise that the morphine based painkillers and my lack of appetite and fibre were causing me to be so terribly constipated.  I kid you not when I say that these were some of the worst nights of my life, not able to sleep, not able to poo.  Take my advice, alternate your morphine based drugs, such as tramadol with things like valium (which I don't think bung you up – but if they do you won't care), and eat as much fruit and veg as you can possibly manage.  I also heartily recommend an Aloe Vera Colon Cleanser tablet before you go to bed.  Other natural laxatives may work well, but I find this is fairly gently and also works to balance out any imbalances in your gut, which may be contributing to the constipation (and if I'm lucky that may be the last time I ever have to write that word!)